09-14-2016, 11:07 PM
Read previous parts HERE
Arrived home, put my suitcase on the living room table and ran to the bathroom, undressed and put myself in the shower, stood still for at least 5 minutes, wept copiously now, the water washing my face and taking my tears to the place they belong, the drain; covered myself with a towel and lay down in bed, I must have fallen asleep in the meanwhile, because the next thing I noticed was my phone ringing, looked at the clock, almost 6pm now, 2 hours has passed, I got up, it was my husband – “Hello, Tania? Is just to warn that a problem arose in the hospital, I have to stay here, sorry!” – Recomposed myself, don’t know how, and replied trying to sound as normal as possible – “It’s alright Honey, kiss, we see each other tomorrow” – I hung up and sent the phone against the couch, angry and cursing, however, I felt relieved, wasn’t ready yet, I needed some time, I needed to think, I needed to sleep on it; dressed and go out to get the kids at school, we had a quietly dinner and when they were to his rooms and I was left alone, I even thought in get on-line and talk a bit to my friends, but…I gave up, I was unable to do so, instead, went to my room, undressed and lay down.
However, my head was completely accelerated; several scenarios had crossed my mind, violent images, blood and diabolical laughter’s… Ah! And plans! Various plans have passed through my mind that night, as I turned and rolled in the bed, one after another, each one more perfect and more full of details that the previous, crime, no, THE perfect crime, how to do it, what to wear, how to hide and where, what to say, the right place to be, all designed to the infimum detail, I even felt the taste, the smell of it, it looked like I was in another dimensional plane, like a dream, but it was not, it was me and my diabolical mind working, taking me back to my teenager years where so often I used it to revenge on all those who hurt me, or older, where I used it to humiliate and ‘torture’ all those who committed the mistake of underestimating me, as he did now, now? No! Not now, it had been going on for years and years; everything was perfectly outlined now, dealing with it in my bed, sobbing and laughing, nervous laughter, the plan was done, only one thing was missing, would I have the courage to carry on?
Opened my eyes and looked at the clock, 3am, is it possible that I was dealing with those thoughts for more than six hours? My soaked sweat body despite the cool night, told me yes, the unmade bed of twists and turns, confirmed, it couldn’t be, my head was killing me, I got up and went to the bathroom, washed my face and swallowed a pill for the headaches and… my sons, no! That was the difference; I couldn’t do it, for them, NO! Stealthily entered in my son’s room, stood there for a few minutes, lowered and kissed his face, went out and did the same in my daughter’s room… NO! I couldn’t do it, no way, not with them there, my children! I went to the kitchen, sat at the table; my dog appeared at that moment, when she saw me, put those big paws on me and licked my face, AH! That unconditional love, hugged her and stood there for a while, both of us, me and my dog, got up, took a yogurt from the refrigerator for me and went to fetch some dog biscuits for her, we ate in silence. I felt better, but I still needed to take those ideas from my head, I needed to sleep, me, that so often joked about the several times I needed sleeping pills after get putted in ‘Ignore List’ by some ‘Troll’, now I really need it, not because of a ‘Troll’ but because something worse, not because of the game, but because something real. Life and what she puts on our path to test us. Alright then, I’ll be ready, but not today, now, I NEED TO SLEEP!
In the morning I felt much better, after doing the breakfast and take the kids to school, I returned home after a quick stop to take coffee in the usual place and while I was drinking, it suddenly appeared to me, that’s it! I knew what I had to do, keep drinking my coffee slowly while in my head the plan was taking form; the entire plan was well outlined already, sketched a smile as I paid the coffee and even after entering the car, I had no doubt! It was perfect, yes it was, that’s a plan from ‘the good old days Tania’, pretty clean, phased, giving the opportunity to the ‘unfortunate’ feel safe and on top of the events, until the final lunge when there is no more rope to stretch and I squeeze it tight; was like that so many times in high school, was like that with Garcia from the modelling agency, was like that with Nando, my possessive boyfriend and was like that with that bitch of Filipa, that thought she could ‘steal’ my boyfriend and get away with it, OH YES! It´s been a while since the last time that I need to use my Machiavellian ‘skills’, but for the health of my children, WILL be like that with Antonio, my husband!